This is from my journal on 7/18/2013.  It was a very difficult time.  My husband and I were moving to a smaller, more accessible home because of his Parkinson’s disease.  He was not able to help much with the move.  I was overwhelmed and also experiencing great stress at work since our company had been recently sold.  I made things harder than they were.

So yesterday’s gospel, “My yoke is easy, my burden is light,” was like a slap in the face.  How can that be true?  It doesn’t seem true for me.

If it is true that means that the yoke I’m in is not of God or that it doesn’t fit right, or that I’m struggling too much and causing chafing or that I’m not keeping pace with the other side.

My conclusion is that, YES things are hard right now, but I make them harder.  I don’t ask for help.  I have a negative outlook.  I act like it’s my job to fix everything and everybody, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

I long for ease– to be comfortable, not tense, not worried.  Is it possible for me to have that?

So I am discouraged and seek distraction in sedentary things, in reading things that only make me upset.  I focus inwardly and don’t really even care about anyone else.  I am just numb.

I don’t enjoy what I have, foolishly thinking that I will. . . . once we move, once I can have a less stressful job, once I  . . . . ______________ fill in the blank.

So I waste lots of time feeling sorry for myself.  I don’t take care of myself.  I eat too much and the wrong things.  I always have one more glass of wine than I should.  I don’t exercise.  I don’t take time out to enjoy anything.  I don’t appreciate anything.

I make trouble for myself.  I take the troubles that I have and magnify them.

So yesterday, I began to seriously doubt my faith in God.  But it’s not that I don’t believe in HIM; I don’t believe in ME.

Intellectually, I know that things will be OK.  I can look back and see all of the things that I’ve been through and overcome and survived, even triumphed.

But I don’t feel hopeful.  I want to withdraw.  I want to escape.  I feel like the next thing (probably a minor thing) will be the last straw– the thing that makes me just shut down and lose it and go totally crazy.

Give me enough courage so I will not be discouraged.
Give me enough traction so I will not be distracted.
Give me enough hope to counteract my doubts.

Dear Lord, help me not to exaggerate or make things worse for myself.
My internal destructive tendencies are worse than anything that comes from outside.

I forget that I am precious.
I forget that I am loved beyond all measure.
I forget that you have counted every hair on my head.

I need to live now and not be afraid of what may or may not happen one day.

#caregiver,#despair, #overwhelmed, #worry, #self-destruct